6:00AM
Morning wood! So awesome! I still got it! I could change a tire with this thing!
7:00AM
This hot water feels good. Should have showered earlier. If I masturbate right now I won’t be able to stop at Panera Bread on the way to work. Forget it, I need my Cinnamon Crunch bagel! Maybe I could skip shaving. Even better, I’ll just stand here in the hot water.
8:00AM
Julie in accounting is wearing that outfit. I think I’ll go by and see how her weekend was. I’m pretty sure she has a thing for me. She’s young enough to be my daughter. Did girls have asses like that when I was in college? She smells like cookies. I’d never fool around on Sarah. Look but don’t touch, right?
9:00AM
Sarah just texted me hearts. I texted back, three times in a row, the pointing finger and the finger making the “O.” Ha ha!
10:00AM
Sleepy. I can tell it’s gonna be an early one. Hope Sarah doesn’t want to have sex tonight.
11:00AM
Sarah wants to have sex tonight. She just texted me four tongue emoticons. I’m going to have to start working on a plan to get out of this. I’ll tell her I have an early meeting. Better text her now.
12:00PM
Lunch with Clark, Telly, Mary Ann and Julie. Didn’t realize I could see so much of Julie’s cleavage. Does she have a tattoo on her boob? Why would she want that? I think Mary Ann has a thing for me. Need sleep. Why does Telly keep looking at Julie’s boobs? So obvious. He’s old enough to be her father.
1:00PM
Went to the restroom and thought about masturbating but I need to print some stuff out.
2:00PM
So, so sleepy. Shouldn’t have had that beer at lunch. Might take a nap as soon as I get home. Maybe Sarah will order something. She’s going to want sex. Christ.
3:00PM
Sarah just texted kissy lips. She wants sex. I can’t do this tonight. So tired. Tomorrow. I’ll promise sex tomorrow. I’ll feel more rested tomorrow.
4:00PM
Working on a report and my penis fell asleep! When did this start happening?? Also I think it’s shrinking. Can that be true? I need to walk around a few minutes. I wonder what Julie is doing…
5:00PM
Why am I so tired? I couldn’t have sex right now if I wanted to. Which I don’t.
6:00PM
Home. Sarah just kissed me and grabbed my crotch. Come on! There is no way possible I can have sex tonight! I’m going to start talking a lot about how sleepy I am. She’ll get the clue.
7:00PM
Every time I say I’m sleepy Sarah says “Then maybe we should take off our clothes and go to bed.” No! So sleepy! I don’t want to upset her but this is not going to happen tonight. She’s mentioned sex six times since we’ve been home. I keep changing the subject to Telly’s new car. Not sure how long I can keep this up. She hates Telly.
8:00PM
Sarah keeps staring at me during dinner. It’s her sex stare. I need more garlic bread. I could go to sleep right here in this chair.
9:00PM
Told Sarah I was too tired for sex. Didn’t go over well but I feel relieved. Went to the bathroom and masturbated. What the hell is wrong with me?
10:00PM
Bed feels so good. Amazing. So much better than an orgasm. I’ll be unconscious in 5 minutes. Sarah has forgiven me. She scooted over so our asses are touching. Oh, man, I hope she’s not still trying. Okay, I just pretended to snore. I don’t think that sounded fake. I can hear her breathing heavy now. She’s out. Whew! Danger has past. I can relax now. Why does Julie have a boob tattoo?
[This article first appeared in Okrabiscuit Humor Magazine, June 22, 2015.]