Writings Archives - Rick Baldwin

Death Of The Moon

Oct 25, 2024

Punky Moon was gettin’ married to Reba Anderson and there wuddn’t nobody less happy about that than Punky Moon.

Truth was, after he got engaged to Reba, Punky Moon fell in love with Willie Mae Snodgrass down at the feed store and now he was in a mess of trouble! The announcement was already in the paper. Reba had the ring, the dress… Punky didn’t know what he was gonna do. There wuddn’t no way out that he could see.

Finally he throwed his hands up in the air and said, “Shucks, I might as well just be dead!” Well! That might be about the best idea he’d had yet! If he’s dead, he don’t have to marry Reba! She won’t get furious and try to kill him, then he can run off far away with Willie Mae Snodgrass. Right then, Punky Moon decides to plan his own funeral.

First thing he has to do is get himself a coffin. Punky’s best friend in the world is Toad McAllister and Toad has a furniture workshop downtown. Punky figures Toad could make him a cheap wood coffin. He explains his plan to Toad and swears him to secrecy. Punky says heck, Toad can use scrap wood if he wants. The coffin only has to last a couple hours.

Punky believes there’s no better time to have his funeral than a week from now on Halloween night. Right by Baneberry Pond. People always say that spot is haunted by the dreaded Pond Wolf, so what better place for a funeral, right? Now, Punky has to get dead real quick. And that he does. Punky owns a small farm so he gets the word out that he’s been the victim of a tragic corn-shucking accident. Punky Moon has fallen into the shucker! And become a shuck-ee!

The news hits the town hard and all the town shows up for the funeral. Toad did an impressive job with the coffin there on the landing by the pond. Punky wears his wedding tuxedo: black coat with tails. He leaves the britches at home since nobody’s gonna see his lower half. He even slathers his hair with pig lard and rubs corn into it so it looks like he’s been in a shucking accident.

At the funeral, Reba Anderson sits right there in front, dressed in all black. Mercipa Skaggs shows up with her honey-glazed, sweet potato casserole as a gift to the deceased’s family. The ladies choir of the Paw Paw Holler Baptist Church starts humming “Nearer My God to Thee” and there ain’t a dry eye in the crowd.

Well, it’s about 39 minutes into the service when Punky Moon feels the first tickle on his left foot. He scratches it very carefully with his right foot. No one sees nothing! Soon, though, Punky feels a tickle on his right foot! And then another! And then another one on his left! Ain’t long before he feels about a billion little somethings crawling all over his legs!

This might be the perfect time to mention that Toad used not only scrap wood to build Punky’s coffin but also termite infested scrap wood. At the very moment the ladies choir of the Paw Paw Holler Baptist Church starts singing “Stand Up, Stand Up For Jesus” Punky Moon stands up in his bug-swarmed coffin and starts a-yelling “They’re a-bitin’, they’re a-bitin’!” all-the-while dancin’ a pantsless jig in front of the whole town! The ladies choir of the Paw Paw Holler Baptist Church thinks Punky is being chewed on by the Pond Wolf and they start a-runnin’ and a-screamin’.

While he’s contortin’, one of the tails from Punky’s tuxedo jacket touches a candle and bursts into flames! Mercipa Skaggs believes she’s seeing a glowing ghost and she keels over, spilling sweet potato casserole all over the ground. The burnin’, gyratin’ Punky starts a-marchin’ through the casserole. His bare legs get slathered in honey-glaze. He stomps on an ant hill and angry ants declare war on the termites. They reenact the Battle of Atlanta right there on Punky’s upper thighs.

Everyone at the funeral’s a-hollerin’ like cats under a wagon wheel. It’s not long before the fire from Punky’s tuxedo jacket heats up the pig lard in his hair and all that corn starts a-poppin’ everywhere!

Reba Anderson takes one look at the half-nekkid, honey-coated, cootie-legged Punky Moon, all aflame and hoofin’ it, with popcorn exploding off his head and she faints right on top of Mercipa Skaggs! Punky Moon runs off and jumps into the pond, taking with him a lap full of termites, a head full of popcorn and all that honey-glazed sweet potato casserole, far down into the deep, haunted waters of Baneberry Pond.

Well. Folks around town never did see Punky Moon again. Not Reba nor Willie Mae Snodgrass at the feed store or even Toad. Did he get eaten by the Pond Wolf? No one knows what really happened to Punky. In fact, if you asked around, most people in the town woulda told you, “He might as well just be dead.”

(COPYRIGHT NOTICE – This story is under the full copyright of the author who gives permission for royalty-free performance/readings of the story for non commercial purposes. This story must not be changed or altered in any way without permission of the author. Any performance of this story must credit the author, Rick Baldwin. This story may not be reprinted without permission of the author.)

There Is No “Being Aware of Being Aware”

Jan 23, 2024

The phrase “Be aware of Being Aware” is frequently encountered in contemporary non-dual teachings, but it can be misleading and potentially confusing. This expression suggests that awareness, which is the very essence of life itself, must somehow become aware of itself. However, this interpretation is inaccurate.

Awareness, by its nature, is the only “thing” capable of being aware. It does not need to be aware of itself, any more than the sun needs to shine upon itself. The notion of “being aware of Being Aware” is as illogical as the concept of “seeing one’s own eye.”

Upon closer examination, it becomes clear that the term “be aware of Being Aware” implies a temporary state of awareness. If the awareness were permanent, there would be no need to direct it towards an awareness of itself. Since awareness is eternal and unchanging, the phrase does not accurately reflect the nature of true awareness. Therefore, it can be considered nonsensical.

A More Accurate Approach: Focusing on Awareness

A more precise and meaningful phrase to use is “focus on being aware.” Focus is an intentional act that can be performed by the individual ego. The ego has the capacity to turn inward and recognize its true nature, which is awareness itself. However, because the ego’s ability to focus is temporary, we often experience a sense of losing awareness. In reality, what we have lost is not awareness, but rather our focus on it. By consciously shifting our focus back to awareness, we can reconnect with our true nature.

You may wonder what it means to “focus on being aware” and why it is important. Awareness is the fundamental essence of who you are—it is the very fabric of your being and the substratum of all experience. Awareness serves as the gateway to a deeper connection with the spiritual universe, revealing a sense of unity and peace.

The Process of Focusing on Awareness

To truly focus on awareness, one must disengage from identification with the mind and external phenomena. This act of turning inward brings awareness into sharp focus, allowing you to realize that it is your true essence. Unlike the temporary identities that we may mistakenly identify with, awareness is permanent and unchanging. This state of being aware is often described using various terms, such as “spirit,” “consciousness,” “life,” “soul,” “silence,” “stillness,” “presence,” “the now,” or even “God.” It aligns with the concept found in spiritual traditions that encourages stillness: “Be still, and know that I am God.”

The True Nature of Meditation

When we speak of focusing on being aware, we are essentially referring to the essence of meditation. While meditation is often thought of as a specific practice that requires designated time and space, in reality, it is something that can be cultivated at any moment, regardless of location. Awareness is always with you and available to you at all times. It is simply awaiting your focused attention.

It is important to remember that you are the “temple of God.” Wherever you are, that space is sacred. Take a moment to be fully present, to focus on being aware, and to reconnect with the essence of your being. It is within this awareness that you will discover true peace, clarity, and understanding.

The Specter of Red Dog Road

Oct 23, 2023

Up in Harlan, Kentucky, there’s an old backroad called “Red Dog Road” and you don’t never want to get lost on it. Locals will tell ya there’s all kinds of unexplained stuff on that road at night. They see strange, red lights flickering tree to tree. Some hear footsteps walking around on the road and on the leaves. Worst of all, a lot of people say they see the ghost of a haggard old coal miner, holding his lantern, just a cryin’ and a hollerin’ somethin’ fierce. Well, I’m here tonight to say all that stuff is true and I’m going to tell you the real story of the Specter of Red Dog Road.

One summer, Eldon Parkey did some work for an old tobacco farmer just across the Tennessee border. The farmer paid Eldon a little bit but he also traded him some tobacco and gave him this red dog that showed up on the farm one day. That dog was meaner than a two-headed snake so the old farmer was more than happy to get rid of it, but Eldon loved that dog. Took him home and named him “Red Dog.”

Eldon noticed Red Dog only had 38 of the regular 42 dog teeth. He figured the other 4 of ’em must still be in some poor fella’s hind-end ‘cause that dog would bite you just to see what you taste like! The story was, one bite from Red Dog would keep a man’s soul from gettin’ into heaven or hell. So, didn’t nobody ever want to pet him. Come to think of it, ain’t nobody ever wanted to pet Eldon neither. Eldon said, you know what? That’s the way he liked it!

Eldon was actually a coal miner and one day word got around town that Eldon found a hunk of gold when he was working underground. That kinda thing didn’t normally happen in Kentucky and anything valuable you found was supposed to belong to the company, but Eldon stuck that gold rock in his lunch pail and took it back to his house. He put it in a steel lock box and set that box right beside Red Dog’s bed. Wasn’t nobody gettin’ that gold.

Most people around Harlan knowed Eldon kinda had a big mouth and, sure enough, he starts to braggin’ in town that he was gonna be a rich man. He took to wearing fancy smelling lotion and tellin’ people he was fixin’ to buy a new milking cow and a shiny new pocket watch. Said he’d soon have a clean pair of britches for every day of the week!

Well, I reckon when R.T. Scoggins heard about it, he didn’t like it one bit. R.T. was the Foreman at the mine and he said that gold belonged to the mine! Eldon found it while he was on the mine’s time and on the mine’s property, so R.T. said that gold rock should be in a steel lockbox in the mine office! He decided he’d just better go take it back himself, in person!

So, one night when Eldon was at the church, R.T. grabbed his shotgun and a big ol’ tater sack and snuck over to Eldon’s place down in the holler. It was all dark but R.T. looked through the front window and scanned the room real careful like. He could barely make out the silhouette of Red Dog over in the corner on a blanket; that steel lock box sittin’ right next to him. R.T. lifted his shotgun… pointed it right at Red Dog… Red Dog didn’t move an inch. R.T.‘s finger squeezed the trigger… BOOM!

There weren’t no sign of Red Dog nowhere.

R.T. didn’t see any blood so he figured he musta missed him and Red Dog got spooked and run off somewhere. Seemed as good a time as any to make his move so R.T. ran into the house, grabbed that steel lock box and hightailed it out the door and into the night.

Well, y’all, I don’t have to tell you, R.T. Scoggins didn’t get 100 yards down the holler road when all he saw in front of him was a mess of red hair and dog slobber! I mean, Red Dog tore him up in ways ain’t no one ever figured out how to put back together. Some people said they found pieces of R.T. over into Tennessee, maybe even Virginia.

Of course, R.T. got more than just bit by Red Dog so he ain’t never gettin’ nowhere near the other side of heaven or hell. His soul ain’t doin’ nothin’ for eternity, ‘cept wandering around Harlan, KY a cryin’ and a hollerin’.

So, if you think you’re brave enough, grab your own shotgun and a tater sack and maybe you can get yourself a hunk of gold. Or… you’ll be keeping company for eternity with the shredded specter of R.T. Scoggins way out there on Red Dog Road.

A Hollywood Life Unattained

May 30, 2023

Reflecting on the missed opportunities of my early career as a Hollywood actor.

Not many people know I was the original James Evans on the hit 70s TV show, Good Times. Due to failed contract negotiations as well as my lack of a strong, masculine chin, I was quickly replaced by John Amos. It has taken over 40 years for me to be able to talk about it publicly without bitterness but, as they say, “time heals all wounds.” I always believed that to be true, until recently seeing those Jimmie ‘JJ’ Walker social security supplement commercials.Trigger warning!

In the early 80s, I was asked to star in a revival of Chico and the Man with Norman Fell, but, unfortunately, I was deep into drugs and alcohol and my mom wouldn’t let me. Hard to see it at the time, but that parental grounding saved my life. Wish now I hadn’t said such horrible things to my mom or sent those racy photos to Norman Fell, but we all learn and move on.

WOW! Just found this photo! Talk about a blast from the past! During the later years of M*A*S*H, the ratings were sagging lower than Harry Morgan’s décolletage, so the network started toying around with adding a second head to Hawkeye. They did a few test episodes and who do you think they contracted to play the additional head? Me of course! The idea was that the second head (which they considered naming “Headeye”) would serve as a kind of straight man for Hawkeye’s jokes. The head would occasionally talk him into terrible surgical decisions, resulting in the maiming and occasional loss of a patient. We all hated the idea and, as it turned out, so did test audiences. I was released after two unaired episodes and was ignored after proposing a concept where I would play Hot Lips’ third boob. Nonetheless, it was my most treasured Hollywood moment and provided the first role of my long career as cranial talent. As you might imagine, the cast was a dream to work with, with one exception. It’s common knowledge now but Jamie Farr forced all guest actors to shave their lines into his back and quote them while tracing each one with their fingertips. Sure, it sounds bad today but it was the 70s and everyone did it, so who was I to question? SAG has since added several actor protections because of that situation but you can Google it all for yourself.

You learn to grow thick skin in Hollywood but I’d be lying if I said this one didn’t hurt. Mindy Cohn was holding out for more money and threatening to quit Facts of Life so I was brought in as replacement. “Natalie” was the first role I ever felt “click” on a deep, Stanislavsky level. To my shock, I was promptly dismissed before shooting even a single episode and was instructed to never return to the studio. I missed the warning then but I certainly know it now. One did not tell Charlotte Rae “no.”

Last one from the “Hollywood Vault.” On an episode of Seinfeld titled, “There’s An App For That” I played Kramer’s cousin, Shlomo Simon. In this particular episode, I invent an iPad® app that forces everyone I point the device toward to see me nude. None of the cast could keep a straight face during shooting and, eventually, they had to bring in a body double. The episode never aired due to a lawsuit by Apple® (It would be another 15 years before the actual iPad® was invented), although the episode was accidentally released in the Icelandic Box Set, so good luck on getting a copy. Fortunately, an assistant director took the only surviving photo and gave it to me earlier this year after, apparently, carrying it around with her for several years. Also, Michael Richards, you owe me a chili dog! (Private joke. Ha ha!)

[This article first appeared in Okrabiscuit Humor Magazine April 1, 2016.]

New Exploitive Southern Reality Shows On Cable

May 30, 2023

Tick Jokes
Friday 2:00 AM on COMEDY 1 hr TV-14
Wannabe stand-up comics from West Virginia check each other for ticks after working an open mic night in a corn field.

Mug Wars
Wednesday 9:00 PM on SPIKE 1 hr TV-14
Eight unemployed college students from Mississippi State University move into a gorgeous house they can’t afford and immediately discover it contains only a six pack of Coors Light and a bag of Funions. (Language, Violence)

Flea Market Dating
Daily 10:00 PM on TLC 30 min TV-PG
Two brothers, Larry and Toad, search the magnificent flea markets of the south in search of love and long-term pokey-pokey. Complications arise when Larry admits he only dates little people and Toad reveals he has secret feelings for Larry’s Dodge Dakota.

Veterans
Tuesday 11:47 PM on HIST 1 hr TV-PG
An intense drama focusing on the residents of a Confederate cemetery and their reactions when a group of northern, white, thirty-somethings show up, remove the Confederate flag, exhume and dress them as Trader Joe’s produce attendants. Pilot episode features the emotional soundtrack performed live by Kanye West, Bret Michaels and a lifelike hologram of Abraham Lincoln.

Catfish Wet Nurse
Sunday 4:00 PM on DISC 30 min TV-MA
From the town of Red Bank, Tennessee comes a family of fourth generation catfish fishermen who use only their man-boobs as bait.

Uncle Mom
Monday 8:30 PM on LIFE 30 min TV-G
Country superstar Kenny Chesney visits remote trailer parks in Kentucky dressed as everyone’s uncle, only to try to convince them he is also their mother. Special guest appearances by Tim McGraw, Dr. Phil McGraw, Quick Draw McGraw, Johnny Knoxville and Kid Rock’s dick.

Lard Queens
Thursday 12:01 AM on FOOD 30 min TV-G
Appalachian grandmothers compete for prizes and hair products by cooking traditional southern breakfast for a panel of celebrity judges. The winner is crowned “Lard Queen” after successfully triggering heart disease in show spokesman Mike Huckabee.

Hail to the Hick
Monday 9:30 PM CSPAN 3 hrs TV-MIA
A gang of octogenarians who congregate in a North Carolina barber shop and complain loudly about the policies of the President, get the opportunity to be the actual President of the United States of America for 24 hours. Laws are changed, immigrants are forced to leave and Gomer Pyle USMC is revived on Netflix. (May be offensive to Asian and Latino viewers.)

Ain’t Worth Shit
August 10:15 AM MTV 1 hr TV-14
A single, Florida dad’s parenting skills come into question while raising his half trans teen-aged son.

Whoops!
Friday 8:00 PM ION 1 hr TV-PG
A rural, Virginia preacher dies and goes to hell and is torn between trying to pray his way to heaven or having sex with Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis.

[This article first appeared in Okrabiscuit Humor Magazine July 9, 2015.]

Barn

May 29, 2023

Gray bones,
having defied weather
of an uncertain century,
prop the structure
with proud erectness.

Dusty tobacco,
its earthy cologne,
in prominent notes
of manure, sweat,
sod and corn,
the blood of every
board and plank.

Rodent, fowl,
serpent and spider,
those familiar church
worshippers,
trample the cattle’s
communion, both
holy ritual and
hidden shelter
of tiny players and
secret lovers.

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