Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, good morning.
Throughout this trial, you have heard the defendant, Mr. William Martin Joel, steadfastly proclaim his innocence regarding the infamous fire that has captured all our attention. Yet, under oath, Mr. Joel himself admitted that accomplices were involved. Despite relentless cross-examination—and one notable charge of contempt of court—he stubbornly refuses to name these co-conspirators, instead endlessly repeating the cryptic refrain: “We didn’t start the fire.”
The defense would have you believe that this fire has been burning since the world’s been turning. But, ladies and gentlemen, fires don’t just ignite spontaneously. Babies don’t simply pop into existence, and universes don’t casually bang themselves into being. Someone, somewhere, is responsible. And while Mr. Joel vehemently denies his guilt, he has shown no hesitation in deflecting suspicion onto 135 other potential culprits. Among these, he audaciously implicates former President Richard Nixon—not once, but twice!—as well as a space monkey, Chubby Checker, and, most appallingly, children tragically affected by Thalidomide. The gall is almost as staggering as his aptitude at hitting high notes.
Now, Mr. Joel does not deny his presence at the scene of the fire. He even claims to have attempted to extinguish it, going so far as to declare that he and his unnamed “we” tried to “fight it.” The results, as we know, were catastrophic. Why did these efforts fail? Perhaps because Mr. Joel was distracted by delusional fantasies of rendezvousing with Marilyn Monroe, Joe DiMaggio, and JFK—meetings which, according to expert testimony, never actually occurred.
And then there’s the matter of “U-2.” What does it mean? Mr. Joel never clarifies. Was he joyriding in a military reconnaissance plane? Sharing cigars with Bono as this unforgettable fire raged around them? Or—dare I say it—does “U-2” signify a clandestine partnership? You, too, Billy Joel? I’ll let you draw your own conclusions.
The defense would paint Mr. Joel as nothing more than an innocent bystander—a man whose hobbies include watching Psycho, thumbing through Stranger in a Strange Land, and bingeing Wheel of Fortune. But the truth is clear: Billy Joel is an international music superstar with multiple mansions, a warehouse full of motorcycles, and unfettered access to open flames.
The ancient Greek storyteller Aesop wisely observed, “A man is known by the company he keeps.” And what company does Billy Joel keep? Communists. Mafia kingpins. Dead prizefighters. And, most damning of all, Fidel Castro—hula hooping together, no less! Can we trust a man with such associations to tell the truth? Should we believe Mr. Joel’s 1983 plea of innocence, or take heed of his 1989 confession that he is “shameless” and “goes to extremes”? Let us not forget his chilling 1980 admission: “You may be right, I may be crazy. But it just might be a lunatic you’re looking for.” Well, Mr. Joel, I am looking for a lunatic. A lunatic who started this fire. And that lunatic is you.
In conclusion, ladies and gentlemen, the defense has utterly failed to show that Billy Joel did not start this fire. The evidence to the contrary is overwhelming. I know he started it. You know he started it. And deep down, Mr. Joel knows it, too—alongside his band of fire-starting accomplices.
Therefore, I wish to conclude by saying I am your uptown girl and you must find Billy Joel guilty.
I didn’t mean to say that uptown girl part but, please, still, find him guilty.
[This article first appeared in Okrabiscuit Humor Magazine, July 21, 2018.]