Lights up in a restaurant. A couple, ANDREA and STEVEN, sit at a table reviewing menus.
ANDREA: Have you decided what you’re having?
STEVEN: It all looks great. Ooo, how about this—“Pan-Seared Filet Mignon with Garlic Mashed Potatoes…”
ANDREA: Where’s that?
STEVEN: (pointing at her menu) Right… here.
ANDREA: Mmmm, yum! I think I’ll have that!
STEVEN: (playfully) You’re just copying me.
ANDREA: Or I have great taste.
They share a smile.
STEVEN: Don said he’d be here at 7:45. What’s keeping him?
ANDREA: I can’t wait to meet his new girlfriend!
STEVEN: I know, right? I’m just glad he’s finally moved on from Cindy. I swear, if I got one more midnight “I can’t live without her” call, I was gonna block his number.
DON enters, carrying a road cone under his arm.
ANDREA: Here he comes!
DON: Hey, guys!
STEVEN: (eyeing the cone) Uh… hey, Don. Is… everything okay?
DON: Great! Never better!
DON sits, setting the cone on a chair.
DON: Sorry we’re late. Steven, Andrea, I’d like you to meet… Jennifer!
STEVEN and ANDREA exchange stunned glances.
DON: (grinning) We took a little detour. (to the cone) Didn’t we, babe? Had to stop at the old ball field—things got… spicy. (giggles, kisses the cone)
ANDREA: (frozen smile) Oh. Wow. How… romantic.
WAITER enters.
WAITER: Good evening! Have you decided?
STEVEN: Yes, we’ll each have the filet mignon with garlic mashed potatoes and asparagus. And a bottle of your ‘86 Cabernet Sauvignon.
WAITER: Excellent. And for you, sir?
DON: (to the cone) What do you think, honey? Jambalaya? Yeah, we’ll share one big plate of jambalaya. And extra cayenne—Jennifer likes it spicy. (pause) Oh, and water for us both.
The WAITER stares, nods slowly, and exits.
DON leans over to whisper to the cone, then starts passionately “kissing” it, licking the hole on top.
ANDREA: (horrified) Don? Maybe… don’t do that here.
DON: What? Come on, guys, we’re all adults! You’ve never seen PDA before?
STEVEN: Not like this.
DON sighs and reluctantly pulls back. Silence follows.
ANDREA: So… Don. How did you and… Jennifer meet?
DON: Oh, it was fate! You know that construction site on the interstate? Traffic was crawling. I looked out my window and bam—there she was. Just standing there, glowing in the sun. I knew right then she was the one.
STEVEN: (muttering) Love at first cone…
DON kisses the cone again, oblivious to STEVEN and ANDREA’s discomfort.
ANDREA: (rising) If you’ll excuse me, I need to freshen up.
DON: Oh no, here we go!
ANDREA: What?
DON: (to the cone) She’s going to drag you off to the bathroom for some girl talk. Go on, Jennifer. (hands the cone to ANDREA) But don’t gossip about us too much!
ANDREA, holding the cone awkwardly, exits. DON turns to STEVEN.
DON: Isn’t she amazing? I mean, I’ve been so lonely since Cindy left. Jennifer makes me feel alive again.
STEVEN: Don, she’s a road cone.
DON: (offended) That’s shallow, Steven.
STEVEN: Shallow? She’s literally made of plastic!
DON: That’s offensive! Thermoplastic PVC.
STEVEN: Whatever.
DON: Look, you don’t know what it’s like out there, Steven. Modern dating is brutal! Jennifer doesn’t judge me. She doesn’t swipe left. She just… accepts me.
ANDREA returns with the cone. It now has a face painted on it, complete with lipstick and blush.
STEVEN: (grinning) Hey, Andrea, you look stunning. And Jennifer? Wow. That’s a face that would stop traffic!
DON: (horrified) Honey, you know I hate when you wear so much makeup. (grabs a napkin) Let’s wipe this off.
DON smears the makeup, leaving streaks of color dripping down the cone. They all stare at the mess.
DON: (to the cone) Oh, so now I’m the bad guy? I was just trying to help! And don’t think I didn’t notice you flirting with the waiter. Show a little respect for our relationship!
DON stands, grabs the cone, and storms off.
DON: (to STEVEN and ANDREA) Sorry. Cancel our order.
He exits. Silence.
ANDREA: We need new friends.
BLACKOUT.